On my drive into work this morning the struggle to write this post began to actually bear fruit. Words began to formulate, and as I know how my brain works I grabbed my phone and told Siri to open up voice memos. I spoke the words, choppy and random, that it felt my soul was wanting to say. I got to work and began typing out my dictation. I deleted the voice recording and stared at the one next in the queue. It was simply titled 11/11/11. I was a little confused thinking I’d accidentally recorded a second recording without realizing it. Obviously not paying attention to the year, let alone the day.
And then I pushed play, and it all came rushing back.
A verbal diary recorded 3 years, 1 day previously. Five days after I watched as my life fell apart. As I listened today I could still hear the hurt and confusion and anger that lined my voice; and tears welled in my eyes.
I don’t think it was an accident that I “stumbled” on that recording today. This time of year is difficult for me because I remember everything with vivid clarity. Everything.
October last year I wrote a post for SRC titled Ten Things I Want You to Know. It was ten things I needed to be reminded of, as much as it was intended for you. #8 was:
“You are likely much farther along than you feel. Some days you’re going to feel like you’ve only taken a couple steps when the reality is you’ve come a long way baby.”
You see, I feel that I’m never very far from that breakdown in my life. I feel like I’m running in place and when I look back over my shoulder it’s still right there at the tips of my outstretched fingers. At times I feel like I’m still on the verge of retreating back into those feelings I mentioned above. I feel hopelessness dance on the bridge of my heart, and despair gripping it with white knuckles.
Yet as I listened to this chronicle I realized I am much farther than I feel most days. And I needed that. I needed to feel some deliverance from these days that haunt me and taste the sweet fragrance of hope.